Monday, April 13, 2015

Duck and cover, B!tc#e$!!




In my Google life, where I care about stuff like how many people read my blog per day, or how many new readers I have and my SEO and my reach and other stuff that really doesn't matter, my favorite thing to do is to look at this map.  (I took a geography class in graduate school and now it's like I'm obsessed.)

I noticed something yesterday that SHOCKED me, though.  In most of my maps up to this point, most of my traffic came from the US, with Canada and Russia battling for second place. In lighter green, it appeared I had some readers in India and Australia.

But the map has changed, and I'm blaming Putin.





According to the turquoise arrow, the US still gives me most of my readers, but look at what's happened elsewhere. China (the indigo arrow) is sending traffic my way, probably because they know they can learn English from me.  After all, I teach it for a (very small) living. I'm still getting some traffic from Canada (orange arrow), but I would like more.  So all you peeps up there call one another to remind yourselves to read my blog.  And while you're at it, call Rick Moranis to remind him, too.

Here's the scary news:

That pink arrow?  That's pointing to Russia.  AND I THINK IT"S DARKER THAN THE U.S.!! I think more Russians are on my blog than anyone else in the world!  (I must say, my blog is cool, but I'm not giving away state secrets here, people.  I don't have any state secrets.  Heck, I don't have any secrets, period.  My life is pretty much an open book.)  Why, Russians?  You don't comment.  You don't share.  You don't give links back. 

Why are you on my blog?
First of all, I know you guys.  You are the baddies.  Back when I was in elementary school, they told us all about you.  They told us that you were developing weapons that could kill all of us at the same time and that you weren't afraid to use them.  They told us that you were helping other bad countries work against us.  They told us that if you and your friends started sending missiles over here, we needed to get under our desks and cover our heads. 

As if that would help.

I thought MAYBE you learned your lesson when we whupped you in hockey, but no.  Now you're back, and on my blog, trying to freak me out. 

But here's something equally freaky.  The black arrow. 

Between the pink and black arrows are three countries...two (France and Germany) are light green.  But that teeny dark green spot?  The one from which a lot of my traffic comes? 

Switzerland.

Now, let me go on record: I don't trust Switzerland. Not as far as I can throw her.

Remaining neutral in the World Wars, just to accumulate other countries' money?  Not participating in the common union and keeping your own monetary system? Having three official languages, none of them "Swiss"?  

And all those mountains?

I think Switzerland has something up its sleeve.
Meanwhile, I'm crawling under my desk and covering my head.  Just in case.

13 comments:

ART aka Anna-Ruth Taynton said...

Maybe your blog goes well with chocolate and vodka?!....;)

Andrea said...

You are the international woman of mystery!

Bliss said...

I think this is a perfect case of a conspiracy theory between the Russians and Switzerland. Switzerland is banking on you opening an account to put all your retirement savings in, they obviously haven't heard about USA teachers, and the Russians want your mind. In the meantime I'm gonna check my colored maps and reinforce my desk just.in.case.

Linda @ A La Carte said...

:) under the desk...yes I remember that also.

andi filante said...

Kirby, I'm cracking up! Thanks for my morning laugh!

-andi

Kim said...

LOL

Rose L said...

LOL Conspiracy theories abound!!!

Linda @ it all started with paint said...

LOL! But honestly, I think VPNs are messing with your stats. I know my computer is picked up as outside the U.S. So I could be adding to your India or Russia or Switzerland numbers ...

:) Linda

Feral Turtle said...

hahahahaha. I just got off the phone with Rick and he is firing up his computer right now and headed over for a good laugh! Cheers Kirby!

Lavacha T said...

I heard Downton Abbey is huge in Russia... and I know my aunt reads your recaps. She lives in Switzerland, but isn't neutral. At all. I still don't trust her either (hi Doride, please comment...).

Anna of the Mutton Years said...

Hi I just discovered your blog whilst googling Russia and conspiracies. Joking. I found it on a reading list, in Russia. No seriously, Switzerland I think:) Really seriously though I'm in uk but have similar stats. I have absolutely no idea why the Russians like my blog.

Tina@WhatWeKeep said...

They are after your secrets, Kirbywan. Lay low, girlfriend! ;)

Gail Wilson said...

You're braver than I! I would never call out the Russians.... and the Swiss? uh oh!

too funny!

ps I never check the maps. LOL Maybe I should

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