Friday, January 3, 2014

The One in Which the Scary Men With Chainsaws Come To My House in the Night


I didn’t see it until about three months ago when the first guy showed up.

He rang the doorbell and asked me if I’d noticed the tree.
Of course I hadn’t.  I don’t notice anything above the roof line unless it’s something crazy like the plane that crashed across the street last spring.

I took his card and handed it to my husband later that evening.  Of course, HE had noticed that the tree was dead…had known it for months.  But, in his own inimitable way, he neglected to do anything about it.  He was going to wait to see if it would “come down on its own.”


I mentioned to DL that perhaps waiting until the ice took care of it for us might NOT be the smartest move he could make.  Mainly because this tree leaned over the fence and onto the neighbors’ property.

So, last week when he was home and some new guys showed up with more chainsaws than teeth, I let him handle it.  Of course he handled it in his own way—he hired the guys to start right away. 


In the dark.  With chainsaws.

Now I don’t know much about chainsaws, and even less about taking a tree down, but I’m guessing daylight would be the prime time for these implements and activities, rather than after dusk.  But no…there’s DL, out in the neighbors’ yard, talking to the guys with chainsaws and no teeth, “supervising” the felling of a forty-foot pine.  In the dark.

After an hour, DL came back inside and informed me that they were to finish up the next morning.  “Sure,” I said.  “Those guys aren’t going to come back.  You don’t even know who they are.”
DL gave me a smug look.  “They’ll be back,” he replied.
“How do you know?”
“I kept their chainsaws.”


Sure enough, they were back the next day, cutting the trees into pieces and leaving me with a stump, which I wanted. (I know that sounds like a euphemism, but I really do want a stump there.)
So while it started out in sketchy fashion, it turned out all right in the end.  The toothless men got their chainsaws back, and I got my stump!


  1. We had a major ice storm here a couple weeks ago, right before Christmas. The damage the live trees caused as they fell was incredible! It's a good thing your DL had the dead tree removed when he did. My husband is hired to bring trees down, and I have to say...he's always done it in daylight.
    Debbie :)

  2. You married a genius! Keeping the chainsaws- brilliant! Happy New Year Kirby! laura

  3. ha ha ha! i tend to leave dead trees til they fall..... unless they are within roof limits. ;)

  4. LOL! Smart hubby!! Glad your story had a happy ending... and interested to see what you're planning to do with your new stump.

  5. No use for any of the rest of the wood? Stunned!

  6. Are you going to hollow out the inside of it and use it as a planter????

  7. Tell me more about the missing teeth.

  8. Funny - we were just discussing what kind of side table would look best in the living room, and all I could think of was a stump! Eager to see what you do with yours...

  9. In the dark - seriously !
    I'm sure there's a horror film in here somewhere ' Stumpy and the Chainsaw'

    Btw, saw the comment above about Downton. We had a two hour Christmas special, it was fab. Not trying to make you jealous or anything !

  10. The best stories always start with toothless men and chainsaws!

  11. Nice!! Can hardly wait to see what you do with the stump!

  12. I always wanted a stump, too (and not just because I hate trees). They make me think of "The Giving Tree," which I love. :)

  13. Chainsaws in the dark? That's crazy talk!

  14. What kind of tree was that? I have been trained by the wood aficionado in my life, that looks like some nice wood. Thank goodness we don't live closer, you'd have a man showing up in the middle of the night to steal some of it :). And, your husband is a smart man, how brilliant to keep the chainsaws to make sure they would return.

  15. hahahahaha!! I love this story, and especially the wrap up. I love your stories. Please give me more in 2014!


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