You know the ones I'm talking about---those leftover ones from the 70s. The ones that aren't necessarily solid wood, but are the ones that have some kind of ugly laminate over plywood--'faux' wood, if you will.
Well, I'll tell you what I did.
I treated the handles to two coats of glossy gray spray paint. The rest got two coats of Kilz, two coats of pale yellow latex, and two coats of matte poly.